Monday, March 25, 2013

WTF: Weather That's (not really that) Funny

Today in Dayton the weather and the calendar got in a fight and the weather won. 
Hence why it is March 25th and there is eight inches of snow on the ground. 

So in protest I joined forces with the calendar and decided to picket the weather in my front yard. 

Fair weather for all!! No more winter!!

Weather: 1. Olivia: 0

But seriously. The sun should not be allowed to discriminate based on race, or gender, or socioeconomic status, or geographic location! We demand affirmative action. Florida should be required to donate four out of every seven sunny days to Ohio (sorry to all you pharmacists moving to West Palm Beach this summer). 

I am thoroughly worn out from winter. We had a tease a few weeks ago with a Sunday in the 60s and I made full use of it with a 26 mile bike ride adventure extraordinaire, which involved a lot of asking for directions, a half pitcher of margaritas, fried ice cream, breaking in getting permission from the owner to "drag" race on the Kilkare Speedway on bikes, and sitting on a pillow for the next week. 

But, I am a true Southerner, and I can't help but get a little excited about the winter spring wonderland snowpacalypse, so I rallied the troops for one last (Do you HEAR that, weather? This is the LAST time) sledding adventure at Community Golf Course. 





The snow was wet and the hill was pretty trampled, but we found a good spot for some clean runs. Our side of the hill crossed over the paved golf cart path near the top, so it leveled off for three feet before plunging downward again. To make things even more exciting, we built a little jump into the path. If you hit the jump with the right speed and angle, you could get three feet of air and what felt like two seconds of hang time. 

Weather: 0. Olivia-and-the-spirit-of-adventure: 1.

I also was struck by how picturesque and American my neighbor's house is, especially as the snow continued to fall all day. 



I just desperately want to throw some red shutters on there or something.


More later! Sorry for the blogging hiatus! 

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Olivia, uncensored


Disclaimer: this post is going to shock a lot of people. Maybe even offend some. It’s not meant to be dramatic; it’s just my real life and my attempt to live honestly and be humbly transparent about my walk with Jesus.

I have given my testimony twice. In both cases it was a real struggle to tell the story of how God has worked in my life, because I felt like I couldn’t see God’s hand through most of it. So it seems like a godless story with no good ending.

But my dear friend Carolyn spoke some true encouragement to me. She said the amazing part of my story is that I’m still here. I still stubbornly, obstinately believe, despite a life filled with doubts and questions about my most basic nature. Somehow, through periods of wanting to give up on Jesus, wanting to cast off all the teachings of Christianity and just let my conscience be my guide, Jesus hasn’t given up on me.

The most powerful verses in all of scripture for me are Romans 8:38-39. “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” In fact the whole of Romans 8 is especially encouraging to those who feel lost and defeated in the Christian fight. It’s quickly becoming my favorite passage in scripture.

On Sunday at church Pastor Rob spoke about singleness and how to view it as a gift and not a curse. Amazingly enough, this is actually not one of my top struggles right now, even though I have been single all my life and often longed for some kind of intimate relationship. I enjoy being single, because I think through not having a commitment to one person above all the other people, I’m able to better serve more people.
I am pretty content with being single to the point that I sometimes think about whether I’m supposed to be single my whole life. It doesn’t scare me as much as I would think. But I also am learning not to try to predict the future in my life. I’m obviously supposed to be single right now, since the right person is clearly not in my life, and I’m happy with that, so that’s all that I need to worry about now, rather than borrowing trouble from my future. That’s just fear, and I’m learning to not live in fear.

But despite all that, this week has been a real struggle. I question what my purpose is in being in Dayton, and in life in general. I don’t feel like I’m making enough of a difference. And as I’ve been owning up to one particular struggle with some of my friends, the devil has been seizing opportunities to steer me off the path of following Christ.

I am primarily attracted to women. This is news to a lot of people, and is a secret I’ve been carrying around for a couple years, letting it eat away at me. Some people have discouraged me from talking about it, or ‘coming out,’ because they think this is a temporary phase that I will get over if I don’t think about it or talk about it too much. Well I’ve tried that approach, and let me tell you, all that leads to is self-loathing. It cultivates this destructive feeling that there’s a part of you that’s too shameful and scary to admit, or to even think about. And it has caused me to ask God, over and over, “Why would you create me to be something that you loathe, if that’s really the case?”

What makes this struggle even more complicated for me is that I’m not exclusively attracted to women. I’ve had some foolish make-out sessions with some guys and hated every second of them, but I do appreciate male beauty and find that part of me craves a stable male-female family dynamic in that hazy future possibility where I’m married and raising children. I don’t know how I would ever get to that future from where I am now, because getting close to men is really hard for me. I have trouble trusting them, partly because I tend to assume they’re really only paying attention to me because of my double D-cup breasts. However, there are some wonderful men in my life who are showing me that this is not the case and is in fact me sinning by pinning a pretty heinous prejudice on them that’s completely undeserved. To those men, I’m really thankful for you, and I’m really sorry for judging you in that way.  But getting back to the point, I do recognize in myself some kind of desire to be with a man, and while it’s weaker and completely contradictory to my desire to be with a woman, it’s valid, and denying it is just as damaging to my soul as denying the female attraction has been.

I spent the week wondering, “What if none of it matters?” which is a scary thought for anyone, and is often discouraged by Christians. But I value every question that my mind wants to ask. If I stuff down questions, especially the weightiest ones, my faith will become superficial. But I’ve been struggling more this week than any I can remember with a desire for sex. Yes I still want to be single, but I’ve been distracted by a desire for intimacy with a girl. I know I couldn’t justify a random hookup with a girl, or a casual encounter with one of my current girlfriends, but my body has been craving it so strongly. I actually want to have a moment of weakness so that I can fulfill these desires, and then deal with the aftermath of my violated conscience later. Because part of me wants to explore that life and see if I can prove everyone wrong, that God doesn’t care if I follow that path. Because maybe none of it matters anyway, right? This is temptation, and the scariest part is the way it has entered my dreams.

Last week I had an intensely vivid dream about kissing a girl that was so real that I can still feel everything I felt in the dream. And the complete implausibility of the situation doesn’t do anything to shake its hold on me. When Satan invades your dreams, he’s out for blood. The scene ran through my head, and really my whole body, nonstop for the next three days, throwing my soul into intense confusion about where my allegiance lies.

Do I follow God or do I follow these deep, controlling, unmet desires? That doesn’t sound like too much of a dilemma when you step back from it. Duh, follow God. But what if the teachings about God’s view of same-sex relationships have been all skewed by sin and prejudice and hatred of anything different, so you’re not even sure what following God looks like in this situation? This next statement will make some people mad, but the thing is, much of the church’s position and attitude toward gay relationships have been so polluted by hate that it’s hard to see any God in them. I’ve struggled with taking a stand on this issue for years now, and I truly do not know what God wants for gay people, but I know it’s not a life of self-loathing, which is a cancer created almost entirely by the doctrine of hatred and exaggeration and misinformation that has been preached from church pulpits and church-backed organizations for decades.

So last week was hard. There have been a lot of conflicting thoughts, desires, fears and beliefs waging war inside my soul. Also my uterus staged a coup and overthrew all my internal organs on Wednesday, so that didn’t help.

But I suppose the good news is, I came out on the other side of a week of constant temptation, and while I let a lot of fantasies play out for too long, I did not act out in any way of which I can be ashamed. And on Sunday I made a decision.

I like to think I can make difficult decisions once and then live them out without any trouble forever after that. I think the conversion moment is sometimes falsely presented as that. “Ask Jesus into your heart and the rest is easy.” But the decision to follow Christ is a daily, hourly, moment-by-moment battle.

“Then (Jesus) said to them all: ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.’” Luke 9:23.

There’s two ways to look at that. One says, “Well dang, my act of obedience this moment isn’t worth much since I’m going to face the same temptation again in five minutes.” The other recognizes the second half of that statement, but also rejoices that every time you deny temptation, that is evidence of God working mightily in you. For someone who has struggled to see any trace of God working in her life for the past 21 years, those are powerful words. If I was tempted 48 times today and each time turned away, God was with me 48 times today giving Satan and his lies an ass whooping never to be forgotten. I’m really thankful for that.

But where does that leave me? I can’t in good conscience accept everything that is preached about gay relationships from the traditional biblical perspective right now, even when they are finally stripped of the hate that has clouded the intended message. It’s not a satisfying answer for me when I try to apply universally to my other gay friends this idea that all gay people are called to involuntary celibacy all their lives. However the defenses of gay relationships leave me with a lot of questions as well, because while I agree with the logic point-by-point, I wonder what other kinds of things could be justified by that same logic.

I have felt paralyzed by this fence-straddling position for so long. In fact it is really the tear that almost completely unraveled my faith over the last year. I’ve spent hours crying out to God to please give me an answer on either side so I could move on from this state of limbo, and heard nothing from Him. I questioned every spiritual experience I had ever had, wondering if it was all a meaningless emotional high. I wanted to know what faith was, because I couldn’t define it in any real terms linked to my own experience. I knew it wasn’t just constantly being on an emotional spiritual high, and I knew it wasn’t just a matter of having enough facts to back up claims. It was something stable that tied those two together, but didn’t depend on moods to make it feel real.

I’ve chronicled my journey of discovering what faith is for the past eight months on this blog. The part I haven’t included, mostly out of self-preservation instincts, was the reason for the struggle. I can’t really explain why I decided to lay it all out today, but I am hoping that something in here will speak to some others that may be experiencing a similar struggle, even if for a different reason.

The decision I made came as we sang “Give Me Faith” at church. I got stuck on this line, as I often do: “All I am I surrender.”

Really, God? All I am? That’s an awful lot. I don’t even like most of what I am, so why would I give it to you? That’s my typical response.

But Sunday was different. I mentally added this to the lyrics: All I am, including my sexuality and all the confusion and pain that comes with it, I surrender. Because God accepts all I am. His acceptance isn’t conditional on me ignoring my sexuality. It’s the opposite. He wants me to see myself as a broken person made whole through Him, not someone who has to fake a certain identity to be whole.
“And he has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9.

And I was finally able to move on to the next line in the song. “I may be weak (read: I AM freakin’ weak), but your Spirit’s strong in me. My flesh may fail (WILL fail), but my God you never will!”

I don’t have the answer I’ve been looking for this past year. I don’t have a permanent, one-size-fits-all answer (I don’t know that there is one), but what I have is enough. I have Jesus, leading me daily. Following Jesus will not take me into sin. Right now, God is calling me to be single, and to be pure. For my weak flesh this will be a struggle, but I’m holding fast to the promise that God is with me in every temptation.

“No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13.

I’m clinging to the promise that the life of obedience to God that He has planned for me is more full, more wonderful and more satisfying than the one of obedience to my desires that I would have chosen for myself.
 It’s not going to be easy, but it will be worth it.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” Romans 8:18.

It’s been a little while since I blogged last. Blogging has become a cathartic way for me to sort out my tumultuous musings. And I know I may sound strong and faithful in these posts because I end them on a somewhat positive note with encouraging scripture references, but talking the talk and walking the walk are such completely different things. I liken my faith and my life to my Ultimate skills (more accurately my lack thereof).

On the sidelines, I can practice planting my left foot, pivoting around it and throwing a strong forehand or backhand throw around a defender, and making intelligent, reasonable decisions. It looks like the eight months’ worth of coaching I’ve received from 15 different Frisbee enthusiasts is starting to take.

But on the field during a game, it’s a totally different story. Once that disc is in my hands, my feet falter, I’m off balance, and my mind is panicking. I’m just as likely to throw a wobbly flick to a handler behind me as to completely fumble and throw away the disc, forgetting everything I’ve been shown. It’s a constant frustration to me, because as I walk dejectedly back to the line after my team lost a point on account of my error, inevitably someone will come to tell me what I did wrong.

But I already know. Unfortunately, knowing it in my head is not the same thing as actually knowing it in my hands when game-time emotions are running high.

So please pray for me. Because writing all this stuff about my determination to follow Christ doesn’t necessarily translate to living that out daily and hourly, and I really need support.  

Monday, February 4, 2013

The sucky part of faith (a.k.a. doubt)


I’ve been reading God’s Smuggler, by Brother Andrew, aloud to a seventh grader at The Victory Project, and it is changing my life. I hope it’s also teaching him good vocabulary and maybe also teaching him about God, but if not, it’s still worthwhile for the ways it’s impacting my life.  

It’s about a Christian missionary in the 1950s who smuggled thousands of bibles into communist countries, and his journey to faith and the crazy miracles God did in his life.

The following is an excerpt that really hit home with my summer of doubt and searching:

“What I was worried about was a relationship…If I were going to give my life as a servant of the King, I had to know that King. What was He like? In what way could I trust Him? In the same way I trusted a set of impersonal laws? Or could I trust Him as a living leader, as a very present commander in battle? The question was central. Because if He were a King in name only, I would rather go back to the chocolate factory. I would remain a Christian, but I would know that my religion was only a set of principles, excellent and to be followed, but hardly demanding devotion.
Suppose on the other hand that I were to discover God to be a Person, in the sense that He communicated and cared and loved and led. That was something quite different. That was the kind of King I would follow into any battle.”

I want to see God work powerfully in my life. Like the kind of unbelievable, make-seeing-eyes-blind and ring-the-doorbell-with-all-my-worldly-needs miracles that Brother Andrew experienced in his missionary work (you really have to read the book). But I realize that in my life as a reporter, I don’t have the kind of needs that require such dramatic acts of God.

So I think, well, how about I give away all my stuff and hit the streets as a missionary. Then God will definitely show up, right?

And then this weekend, during a wonderful retreat with some amazing women from my bible study group, I heard a fantastic message from Beth Moore on overcoming fear. Now, as a person who has led 20 college students into a river in search of a rope swing with no more instructions than, “It’s on the other side of an island” or gone skinny dipping in a canal in Amsterdam in the middle of the night, it might surprise some people to know I live in fear. But as Beth pointed out, the most frequent command in the Bible is “Don’t be afraid,” or some variation of it, and I am far from immune. I love the adrenaline rush that comes with facing physical fears, like jumping off a cliff or riding roller coasters.  But when it comes to my future, my financial security, my decisions, or something as simple as hard conversations, I am often paralyzed in fear. And that fear is evidence of a lack of trust.

But it’s not enough to trust that God’s not going to let your fears come true, because, lesbehonest, He never promised that. But he promises He has good plans for us, not to harm us, but to give us hope and a future. He’ll get us through whatever He throws at us, so why are we living in fear?

In high school I was asked this question. “What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?” At the time I thought about some crazy cool traveling career, or going skydiving or something, but I think now my answer would be different. I think one of my biggest fears is rejection and being alone, and so with that removed, I would actually do what this song says and shout it, go on and scream it from the mountains that [Jesus] is God!

But I keep coming back to these thoughts that God has some powerful destiny planned for me, but it couldn’t possibly be here in Dayton, or at least not where I currently work. What can a 21-year-old do? And how will God show up in my life if my basic vitals are all pretty well taken care of by the paychecks that magically show up in my bank account every two weeks?

That’s when the impact of a sermon I heard at Apex Jan. 27th really hits home.

When we pray, Jesus taught us to start with Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name.

The glory of God’s name comes first. In prayer, in life, in everything. Not Olivia’s desire-misconstrued-as-need to see miracles. Because God never promised to give us proof of all the things we doubt. Hebrews 11:1 says “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” The key point being we don’t get to see it. For someone brought up in a culture that teaches ‘seeing is believing,’ this becomes the part about faith that really, really sucks.

Faith is supposed to be the firm foundation built on a rock that sustains even hurricane-force trials. But my faith often seems so fleeting, that I’m wasting half my emotional energy trying to nail my Jell-O-like-convictions to a wall in the good times, and when the winds of adversity start blowing I’m already half spent.

If this all seems like an unrelated stream of consciousness, just know it’s unified in that it’s pointing out my ever-present need for God. But maybe some of it’s resonating with you.

Today I made an important decision. I agreed to start the process to mentor a kid through Big Brothers Big Sisters. I hope that I will be able to impact some lives through this, and more importantly that God will be glorified through it. I’m sure it will change my perspective.

But the decision had a lot of significance because I’ve been putting it off for months. I came to Dayton with a pretty confident plan to leave after two years. And while I have poured myself into fun activities to find friends, and found a place to volunteer for the time being, I’ve avoided anything that would tie me down here any more than absolutely necessary. Sure BBBS only asks for a one-year commitment, but the goal is that you’ll stay in a kid’s life for much longer, and I think if you formed a close connection and then left after a year you could do more harm than good.

It’s not so much that I’ve decided to stay in Dayton for a certain period of time longer than two years. It’s really that I stopped pretending like right now I have any say in deciding when I leave and where I go. God’s plan for me in two years is so beyond my control, but what matters is what I do now. And leaving my options ‘open’ so that I could up and leave in two years was turning me into a vapid consumer of life, instead of making the most of my time here, no matter how long or short that may be.

I want to blog about this weekend’s retreat, with magical snow falling for hours on end around our cabin as we hunkered down in snuggies and footie PJ’s, but my heart is too heavy to dwell on the jokes, the pranks and the laughs. It’s days like today when I’m convinced that Satan is real because I can feel his attacks, but God still feels so far. In the same weekend as I fell in love with my community, I also discovered that it’s full of sinners, just like me, and I’m hitting phase two of the following relationship cycle, but unsure how to get to phase three…

(This excerpt from was shared with me by a dear friend and housemate from my last year at UNC.)

Jean Vanier, founder of the L’Arche communities, has written, “Almost everyone finds their early days in a community ideal. It all seems perfect. They feel they are surrounded by saints, heroes, or at the least, most exceptional -people who are everything they want to be themselves. And then comes the let-down. During this time everything becomes dark; people no longer see anything but the faults of others and of the community. They feel they are surrounded by hypocrites. Life becomes intolerable.  The greater their idealization of the community at the start, the greater the disenchantment. If people manage to get through this second period, they come to a third phase — ​that of realism and of true commitment. They no longer see other members of the community as saints or devils, but as people — ​each with a mixture of good and bad, darkness and light, each growing and each with their own hope. The community is neither heaven nor hell, but planted firmly on earth, and they are ready to walk in it, and with it. They accept the community and the other members as they are; they are confident that together they can grow towards something more beautiful.”   

I know that Satan desperately wants to keep me from getting to that third stage, because he’s put in me a cowardly fear of the hard but good conversations that will take my relationships to the next level, and establish mutual trust within this Christian community that I know I need to encourage me and keep me accountable in this crazy Christian journey.  

My thoughts are so tangled tonight I can’t come up with a coherent way to wrap up this post. But if you’re with me on any of this, send up a smoke signal or something and maybe we can figure out this stuff together. 

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Only hate the road when you’re missin' home


It snowed most of the afternoon and evening today. I love snow. I have been making snow puns all day, until my friends and coworkers have told me in snow uncertain terms to shut up.

I love walking in snow; I love looking at snow; I love sledding on snow; even just the inch or so of fluffy wet snow we got tonight. I check the weather spastically, looking forward to the day that the weather gremlins are calling for snow. But every moment that the snow is falling, I’m afraid it’s stopping, or slowing down. So with the enormous joy comes an equal sense of loss for every minute passed.

I realized it’s awfully similar to how I felt this weekend, hanging out in the mountains with 12 of my closest friends from UNC.

With some astute Facebook stalking, I figured out that many of my housemates from last year and close friends through Intervarsity would be in or near North Carolina around MLK weekend, and since most of us had Monday as a holiday, we planned a mountain weekend reunion at my last roomie Abby’s aunt’s cabin. Yes that’s kind of a mouthful.

I looked forward to our mountain weekend for weeks – from the minute I sent out the message inviting everyone to the minute my little Toyota finally chugged up the world’s steepest driveway to the cabin at just past midnight on Friday after the longest day at work – I was pee-my-pants excited.

And then I arrived. There were hugs all around as I reunited with friends I hadn’t seen in six months, or some even longer. In the whole scheme of things, maybe that’s not such a long time, but considering that’s the sum total length of my entire adulthood, that’s a long time.

And that’s when the clock-ticking began. A weekend – even a three-day one – is such a short time to recharge your soul.

These people are the ones who surrounded me during the three most formative years of my life. So much of me I have them to blame or thank for. It felt so right to be reunited, that it felt wrong that we had ever been apart. Those painful-but-worth-it get-to-know-you conversations were long since passed. Gone was the tension of wondering, ‘Am I clicking with so-and-so? Do they like me as much as I like them? Am I talking too much? Can they tell how dorky I am in real life?’

It was so comfortable.

And so ephemeral.

I found myself feeling torn. While I was having the time of my life with my dear friends, usually laughing so hard I figured I could pass on the abs portion of boxing class for at least the next month, it felt so unreal. Like the real Olivia had stayed in Dayton, and I’d gone back in time. I almost felt guilty that I wasn’t doing something productive with my life, like putting in my time to get to this same level with my Dayton friends.

But every minute that passed was a minute closer to saying goodbye, and I had to constantly fight that sadness in order to enjoy the moment. 

In almost seven months living in Dayton I have finally gotten to a point that when I leave, I miss it for more than just its familiarity. I have made real friendships. I leave a part of myself in the dirty old skyline in my rear view mirror. Despite my initial plan to leave Dayton after two years, I feel my roots starting to grab hold of this frozen Ohio soil. And it scares me. What if life takes me to somewhere else entirely after Dayton, rather than returning to North Carolina, and I leave a little part of my soul there too? J.K. Rowling got it backwards. You can hide fragments of your soul in all kinds of places without killing anybody. Love binds you to people and places, even against your will.

But the mountain trip was amazing. As my friend Carolyn put it, “I feel like this is one of those glowing weekend memories I’ll always go back to.”

We saw waterfalls, we illegally jumped over a fence to run behind a waterfall, we ate Kilwin’s ice cream in Highlands, we sang, we danced, we made spontaneous musical fusion, we sat in a hammock, we watched the sunrise (although I do sometimes wonder why can’t we just film the sunset and run the tape backwards and achieve the same end), we quoted Pitch Perfect ad nauseum, we ate home-cooked meals, we beasted a puzzle and we played hours of Hijack.

Hijack is kind of a variation on Egyptian Rat Screw, or like the game ‘War’ except on crack. Each player lays out a card, and if it’s a face card, everyone has to perform the corresponding response, depending on which card is played. For jacks, everyone yells “Hijack!” For queens, everyone freezes. For kings, everyone salutes. And for aces, everyone slaps the card. The last to respond, or the first to break the frozen pose, takes the stack from the middle, and the goal is to run out of cards. As you can imagine, the game often devolves into players realizing that if they simultaneously slap the middle, salute, yell hijack, and then freeze, they can cover all their bases and make up for any deficiency of focusing ability. My old housemate Lisa took this one step further, freezing in a victory pose every time she laid down a queen, but that naturally backfired, since it turns out it’s a lot harder to hold perfectly still in a jubilant stance than it is to stare stone-faced at the table in front of you.

The TV at the cabin didn’t have a DVD player, but that didn’t stop us from enjoying a viewing of Pitch Perfect one night, and then The Breakfast Club the next. We plugged a karaoke machine into a MacBook and piled all dozen or so of us around the 15-inch screen. MacGyver would be so proud.

We found out that we all have terrible hearing, and combined with dirty minds, that can lead to some strange, but hilarious miscommunications.

We found out we have both musical geniuses and musical dunces in our group (me). 

We found out that the Blue Ridge Parkway is often closed because of ice and snow in the winter. Yes, we found that out the hard way. 

We found out that a grown man can survive sleeping outdoors in a hammock when the low is 24 degrees, if he's determined enough, and has enough blankets. 

We found out that the lyrics to Girl on Fire would make a great theme song for a National Dyslexia Awareness Month barbecue.  

And we found out that no matter how many miles, career paths, or new friends separate us, we can still come back to that place our souls call home – a community united by our shared past.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Anything Could Happen (Bye Bye 2012)

My New Year’s Eve plans came to me in a moment of Nitro Mojo-fueled inspiration while hanging out with some friends from boxing at Lucky’s Taproom in the Oregon District a few weeks ago.

My friend Nick said, “What are y’all doing for New Year’s Eve? I’m thinking about going to Chicago.”
“You’re going to Chicago?!” I shouted, unaware of my excessive volume or excitement. “That’s such a good idea! I want to go to Chicago!”
I turned to my friend Lauren. “We should go to Chicago for New Year’s!!”
“Well uh, do you want to maybe go together?” Nick asked.

So I asked off work, we booked a hotel, and looked for a place to park our party. We found a microbrewery in Wicker Park that was holding a Roaring ‘20s themed NYE party with open bar and buffet for $75. Brews, barbecue and boas – what more could a girl want?

Nick’s friend Marc came along, and Lauren’s friend Paul drove with us to save gas on his way to visit a friend.

I carefully packed all my warmest clothes, looking for ways to cleverly layer my snow clothes under my most fashionable street clothes, in order to keep up with my fashionista traveling companions. This is a joke. There’s basically no way to look sexy hot and actually be temperature hot in Chicago in winter. I froze my butt off, even while going to such lengths as wearing leggings over my tights.

Paul, our driver, has been trying to learn German. This became readily apparent when the GPS said things like “Dan nach auf die liechtennachsterbachstenfarger” or “auf links unter die ausgebeleiden strasse” or “fahrt.”

“Paul! Did your car just say fart?” I squealed. “Make it do it again!” So Paul pulled up his German-English dictionary app, one of about 4,326 apps he has installed on his iPhone, and asked it to translate the word ‘drive.’ The soft-spoken German translator lady inside the phone obliged us, pronouncing it slowly and clearly, and Paul’s stereo proceeded to say “Fahrt fahrt fahrt fahrt fahrt fahrt” at intervals throughout the trip.



We made it to Chicago in time to watch most of the Bears game in a bar. Lauren, a.k.a. Chicago's ambassador of Bears' fandom to the common people of Dayton, was thrilled. Decked out in a Bears t-shirt, Bears earrings, and a Bears scarf, she was constantly shocked to find herself surrounded by football fans all unified under the same banner, er, jersey.

Although the bar food and the cupcakes from a shop we visited later were both delicious on the way down, Lauren and I both were unfortunately visited by the ghosts of carbohydrates past. When we returned to our room to get ready for our first night on the town, we found ourselves crawling into bed trying to ward off some serious reflux and stomach cramping.

But our traveling companions decided to become knights in shining armor, and took a cab to the nearest Walgreens to bring home the best Get Well Instantly care package you can imagine. Saltines, sprite, water, Tums, Pepto, and a suspicious looking white powder called “Goody’s” that professed to be made of acetaminophen, aspirin and caffeine … but I think we all know what it really was. That, combined with Ellie Goulding’s song “Anything Could Happen” cranking out of the hotel room’s iHome, perked us up enough to get dressed and amped up to go out.

Somebody recommended we hit up a place called Moe’s Cantina near the river downtown, so we caught a cab and went. Thanks to a successful hotel pregame, we spilled, rather than stepped, out of the cab onto the street in front of the bar. The bar had two identical front doors on either side, so we tried the first one we came to. Marc reached out, but the door seemed stuck, so he put some Army-toned muscle into it.

BOOM! The door flung open, and we were staring a three of the most shocked and startled waitresses I’ve ever seen. Apparently the door was locked, or was supposed to be, and we were supposed to have entered through the other door.

We ordered some nachos and a pitcher of Sangria, but I really have no idea of the reasoning behind either decision. Marc and I brilliantly decided to have a jalapeno-off, which resulted in him crying in the bathroom trying to wash his mouth out, and me downing everyone’s waters at the table, and grasping for those of the table next to us. I’ve had jalapenos before, but these particular triple-heated peppers raised my definition of pain to a-whole-nother level.

As suddenly as we’d arrived at Moe’s, we got the urge to sing some karaoke. Nick’s friend Riku, a native Chicagoan, had joined us at this point, so he led us around the town in search of a karaoke joint.

Well, we did not find one. But we found a lady in green who struck Riku’s fancy, so we continued to run around town, but this time in search of the emerald temptress.

We did not find her either. I give Riku two stars as a tour guide. Or maybe one thumb unenthusiastically hanging off to the side.

So we took a cab home and crashed.

On New Year’s Eve morning, we woke up to delicious pancakes in bed from the hotel café, courtesy of Nick. Our first stop was the Navy Pier, which Nick and I were both disappointed to find out had no naval war ships. But instead, we rode the Ferris wheel for some fantastic views of the city. We then checked out Winter Wonderland, a huge temporary indoor amusement park for kids, complete with a Tilt-a-Hurl, mini Ferris Wheel, inflatables, and ice rink, and popular dance songs blaring from the PA system. 

In one corner we found a display called Winter Wondertown. It was lined with fake old-fashioned storefronts, and a handful of actors looking like they were dressed by Dr. Seuss stood in the middle of the ‘street’ greeting visitors, wearing a whole spectrum of neon from head to toe. The most enthusiastic of them called out to us.

“Would you like to Gangam with us?!” she yelled, and I realized the viral Korean dance song was then playing above us. We joined the group and got a quick tutorial from the green-wigged-lady, and then stomped, lassoed, and giddy’upped with more gusto than we ever thought ourselves capable for the next 45 seconds.

Properly gangamed out, we danced our way out of the building and moved on to The Bean. While I secretly hoped this would turn out to be a museum dedicated to Mr. Bean, Roan Atkinson’s hilarious British idiot character, I was still quite impressed by the giant chrome kidney bean strategically situated to reflect the best of Chicago’s skyline.



And I was even more thrilled when Lauren pointed out the amazing photo-bombing opportunities afforded by the scads of tourists performing self-photography into the mirrored surface. This entertained me for a full twenty minutes.

Across the street from the Bean I noticed the Chicago Public Library and begged to go there. Libraries have turned out to be some of my favorite experiences in big cities, and this one was no different. And it was deliciously warm, which was a huge relief from frosty gusting outdoors.

We entered a huge foyer with a grand double staircase leading up to a room with the most beautiful stained glass dome I’ve ever seen. We slowly ascended the stairs, taking in the grandeur, when a chord was played on a grand piano somewhere above us. I perked up, and we followed our ears to the elegant marbled room with the dome. In the front of the room, a man only four feet tall sat plunking out the most intricate and technically challenging piano concerto I’ve ever heard on a massive grand piano.

I slid into a seat, mesmerized. Including the four of us, there were a total of six in the audience. I marveled at how the man’s fingers, at least an inch shorter than mine, nimbly tickled the keys with speed and grace I could never hope to attain. I held my breath, waiting for a break in the music. One finally came, and my hands automatically attacked each other in applause. The musician turned as if he'd just become aware of our presence. He looked my way and smiled in amusement, and continued seamlessly with the song.  
The song ended and the dwarf quietly replaced the cover to the piano, and we floated out on a cloud of serendipity.



We stopped in at a Starbucks to get some hot drinks to prepare ourselves for a long walk to the Sears :cough: I mean watchu-talking-‘bout Willis Tower. We timed our visit to catch the last rays of daylight, and the lights coming up in the city. We were crammed into the elevator livestock-style, with 20 excited tourists told to walk to the back and face front. More than a minute later, the elevator opened to the 103rd floor.



Standing in front of us, their faces blank with solemn anticipation, stood 25 Buddhist monks in full screaming orange garb, waiting for their elevator ride down. Our whole elevator registered a double take. We walked a safe distance away and burst out laughing from the surprise.

“That was literally the last thing I expected to see when those doors opened up,” I said. “I thought they were going to start singing, like some kind of multicultural welcoming committee.”

We made rounds of all the windows, taking in all 360 degrees of amazing vistas of one of the prettiest cities I’ve ever seen. We got in line to step onto the protruding glass alcoves. When it was my turn, I walked fearlessly out onto the glass floor, but then faltered as my stomach lept into my throat.
“Whoa, vertigo!” I said. Weak kneed, the four of us posed for a picture with the Chicago skyline below us.
We stayed there on top of the world until the last drop of sunshine fell below the horizon, and darkness fell on the city.



We caught an early dinner at Giordano’s, famous for its classic Chicago-style pizza. We then took a cab back to the hotel and got ready for our 20s party.

We sauntered down to the hotel lobby a few hours later, ready to rumble, decked out in feathered headbands, fringes, boas, pearls, and dashing suits. But our enthusiasm was soon curbed when we found out the wait for a cab was nearing 30 minutes. We stood in the street for about 30 seconds before Lauren and I discovered how completely uninsulating our outfits were against the Windy City. We decided to wait in the hotel bar until we caught a cab or thought of a better solution.

The bar had a few windows to the street, and after about three sips into a round of drinks, Lauren spotted a cab with its light on waiting at a red light across from the hotel. Nick jumped up and ran out to stop the cabby. We started to chug our drinks, and Nick reappeared, huffing.
“Let’s go! I told him to start the meter!”
We closed out our tabs, transferred our drinks to disposable cups, and made it to the cab in two seconds flat.

Our party was being held in a neighborhood known for its microbreweries at a bar called Moonshine. The atmosphere was delightful from the minute we walked in. A DJ was cranking the best of the last 25 years in dance tunes, 2013 balloons were attached to everything, a hundred or so 20-somethings were dressed to the nines in ‘20s-somethings, and bar tenders were serving drinks in mason jars.

We were fashionably late, which meant all the tables were claimed. Nick quickly made friends with some Chicagoans on the highly coveted couch-booths across from the bar, and we squeezed into a space for two, working out a system that was kind of a cross between musical chairs and a rotisserie chicken for who got to sit and who had to stand.

Soon the beat caught my hips and the rest of the night was lost in a whirlwind of twirling, booty-shaking, fist pumping and shimmying.

As the party wound down, a pair of Minnesotans who both fancied Lauren invited us to accompany them to another bar. We gathered all our belongings and stepped into the frigid street. After beating a few old ladies with sticks in order to get a cab, we realized we’d lost Marc. We arrived on the opposite side of town 10 minutes later only to find that all the bars were closing or at capacity, our tour guides had no idea where we were supposed to be going, and Marc had gotten into a fistfight back at the previous bar.

For the next half hour we wandered the streets trying in vain to hail a cab, as literally hundreds of others found themselves in similar predicaments. With my coat covering all of my costume except my feather headband, a reveler mistook me for Pocahontas, and performed some kind of abbreviated Native American greeting as he passed. Lauren and I couldn’t take it much longer, so we limped on frostbitten toes to the biggest, swankiest two-story McDonalds we’d ever seen. But hundreds of other partiers had had the same idea, and we were soon in a massive crush of drunken people desperately jockeying for their spot in one of 12 different cashier lines. The only plus was that our extremities were starting to thaw. Nick continued to try to get us a cab while we tried to get us a Big Mac.

A man reeking of whiskey bumped my elbow in the line. “Did you have a good New Year’s Eve?” he slurred.
In no mood to make small talk, I responded curtly, yes, and turned back to the line.
“Well you just hate men, don’t you?” he said, angrily.
Not really feeling up to challenging him on that one, I answered again, just as emphatically, yes, and he stopped bothering me.

We thought, well if this is 2013, it can only go up from here.

Lauren and me ready to murder someone for our food.

We finally got our food, and rejoined Nick to look for an open table. Somewhere between the counter and the stairs, some miscreant stole one of my feathers right off my head, but my hands were too full to fight back.

We finally forced ourselves out in the cold again, ready to bribe the first person with an empty car to take us back to our hotel. We had, in fact, tried that on our way into the McDonalds, accosting a middle-aged lady with an empty minivan and offering her $50 for the 3-mile trip. But this only succeeded in thoroughly weirding out the poor woman.

We lucked out when a limo driver pulled to a stop the second we reached the street. Not a stretch limo, but just one of those all-leather interior black sedans. He warned us the trip would be a flat fee of $45, but we would have probably pledged him our firstborns in order to get out of the cold.

The rest of our trip was pretty uneventful, but I did get the opportunity to cross an item off my life bucket list when Nick and I went ice skating in Millennium Park’s outdoor ice rink.



I felt like the whole trip was like Sex in the City, the co-ed version, meets Friends, set in Chicago, minus all the sex. Living life and having a blast. I hope to enjoy many future such adventures, although it will be hard to top this one.



Friday, December 28, 2012

Crazy little thing called adulthood


I've had a lot of firsts this week. First snow in Dayton. First time driving on snow. First sledding adventure in Dayton. First time shoveling a sidewalk. First time getting my car stuck in snow. Whoo hoo. Some hooligans in a truck drove by my house when I pulled in the driveway from work and saw me picking my way carefully across my unshoveled sidewalk in heels. "Hey can we shovel your walk for you? Won't have to do that no more!" they shouted. I waved them off, wanting to shout "I'm a strong independent woman and I can shovel my own darn sidewalk, thank you very much." And I did.

Here's some pictures from the winter wonderland, before it turned into a dirty sludgerland. 





 

As I drove back from North Carolina on Christmas day, I realized it was my six month anniversary of starting work in Dayton. Six months seemed like a lifetime away when I first started. It was a date that stuck in my brain because after six months at my job, you’re considered a seasoned employee, which communicated to me, “No more silly mistakes allowed—you are now held to a higher standard.” I was so preoccupied with getting through the next week that I never imagined six months would come so fast.

Now I’m almost shocked to find that I feel relatively competent at this job after six months. But what still surprises me is seeing a paycheck pop up in my bank account every two weeks. I get this mindset like, “Oh, there’s my last paycheck, I’ll have to stretch that one out for a while. Good thing I already paid this month’s rent.” Even with as low as my salary is, it’s still more money than I’ve ever seen, and I’m mesmerized. I’m watching my bank account grow steadily, instead of watching great chunks disappear along with every semester’s tuition.

When I started this job I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to do it. I just knew that there had been a mistake somewhere along the line, and that after six months they’d see me for the impostor I really was. The boss would come to me with a disappointed look and ask to see me in his office.

As it turns out, I’m actually very good at my job. But my coworker still has to coach me into taking pride in my work, and rejoicing over crushing the competition, etc. For one reason or another though, around the beginning of December it started to get extra difficult for me to get out of bed on work days. I know it’s not depression, because I’ll fly out of bed on a weekend ready to bite life in the ear, even if it’s 8:45 a.m. and I agreed to help a friend move furniture.

Maybe it’s partly due to the fact that the holidays are a challenging time for a business reporter to find any stories, but I think it may be more that I’m starting to hit that wall of the first six months of being in the real world.

There’s some kind of disconnect in my brain when it comes to understanding the relationship between the paycheck and the work I do. Maybe it’s because in my opinion, whether I do a great job one week, or I really slack off on another, the paycheck still shows up. Being on salary is an amazing blessing, but it’s hard to get my head around. Maybe it’s because there’s also no immediately apparent correlation between how hard I work and the success of my company. Down the line I know it’s going to make a difference, but who knows if I’ll even still live in Dayton when it does. This whole corporate America thing has got me puzzled.

I think I’ve become a more selfish person since I was forced to become a responsible adult. In college I almost never said no – to a fault. I took on commitments like it was my job to save the world. But in Dayton, I’m afraid of commitment. I’ve been encouraged by many people to get involved with Big Brothers Big Sisters, and I even rappelled down a 27-story tower to raise awareness for them, but all I’ve done about it for about three months is think. I don’t know why I can’t bring myself to commit. I tell myself things like “I don’t have the time.” But I have more time on my hands now than ever before in my life. I freaking have TV shows that I keep up with. Granted, I have to watch them all on Hulu days after they come out. I play Frisbee, go to boxing, go to trivia, go out on the weekends, even do laundry somewhat regularly! Talk about too much time on my hands.

For me in the past, life wasn’t being lived to the fullest if I wasn’t forced to hyper-multi-task, i.e. read for pleasure while doing my laundry and sending some important emails, while texting with a friend to set up a time to hang out in between two other commitments the next day. But now that I’m away from that, I feel both a wonderful sense of freedom and a nagging sense of my ability to do so much more.

I’m naturally a thrifty person, but I’m trying to learn how to be generous, with my time and my money. It’s hard to combine those two personality traits. Maybe I can take some notes from Abbie’s coworker Ray.
Rabbit trail for the sake of a pretty funny story that’s slightly related to this topic.

My roommate Abbie’s coworker Ray, who is 54, has some quirks. She’s told me many stories about him. Or she’s told me the same story many times. I’m not sure, because I still laugh every time. Ray and his wife Eileen only buy things if they have a coupon or can get it really on sale, and they account for every penny daily.

On Monday nights, Ray buys a $5 Hot and Ready pizza from Little Caesars. He takes it home, and he and Eileen each have two pieces for dinner, and save two for Tuesday’s lunch. If Ray needs to contribute some cash to a coworker’s birthday present, or something, he calls home to Eileen to let her know that he will have to break the $20 in his pocket earlier than anticipated. Abbie and her friends ask, “Ray, don’t you ever get hungry and stop in at Taco Bell on your way home and not tell her?” He says, “Nope. Every penny is accounted for. She would know.” One time, Ray went to JCPenny to buy a shirt, but he came back empty handed. “You didn’t find anything good?” someone asked. “I did, but if I wait two more days it will go down from $8 to $6,” Ray said.

Abbie told me Ray was throwing a disco party for his coworkers and friends. I was intrigued by Ray and the fact that my perception of him from the stories didn’t look like a disco-party-throwing kind of guy. So I asked Abbie if I could come to the party. She asked Ray, and he happily extended the invitation to me. “Everything will be provided, Abbie, so you don’t need to bring anything,” Ray had said. Abbie and I wondered where they got coupons for beer, and where we could get some of those.

We showed up to the party practically doing the potty dance we were so curious to see what Ray’s house would look like. Would there be a box of two hundred air fresheners, bought for 99 cents stowed away in some corner of the basement, or 10-foot tall stacks of canned tomato soup because they were 90 percent off? As one of six kids, I understand the practicality of buying things when they’re on sale, especially if it’s Honey Nut Cheerios, which my family has been known to buy in quantities too big to fit into two carts if the sale was good enough.

A sign on the front door said “Come on in, the party’s in the basement!” We let ourselves in and were immediately surprised by the throbbing of the subwoofer pumping in the basement. Peering into the basement, I saw dark paint and a few tin posters. At the bottom of the stairs my jaw dropped. The whole basement was decked out in old fashioned posters celebrating beer, basements, beautiful women and saxophones. To the left was a bar with a sink and four or five bar stools, fully stocked with quality beers. But the biggest surprise was the hardwood dance floor the size of my room complete with disco ball, strobe lights, colored spotlights, and a speaker system the size of my car. Five or six 40 or 50-somethings were jamming to Michael Jackson.

Ray told Abbie the party had been waiting for us to arrive, and that he’d heard I was a good dancer. I don’t know about that, I thought, but I grabbed a beer and hit the dance floor. Later on, one of Ray’s friends complemented me on my dance skills. “You must have some African American in you!” she said. “Not that I know of,” I said. “A little Cherokee, but that’s it.” And a lack of inhibitions.

I found out that Ray is in an 80s cover band, and he showed us pictures of him with a permed mullet. He even treated us to some Christmas songs played on his sax.
Anyway, if Eileen’s extreme couponing has made it so they can splurge on turning their basement into a full-service bar and dance club, I think I need to sign up for her financial management class.

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In the past my occupation has been student, and the only person who stood to gain or lose from the amount of effort I put in to my studies was me. Now I’m accountable not just to my boss, or my 19 co-workers, or our corporate headquarters, but to the whole business community of Dayton. Talk about pressure. Before, when in pretense I was a student, but in real life I was devoting my life to raising money for families in the hospital, I really felt like life had a purpose and I treasured every second, especially senior year. By warming a seat in a lecture hall while designing an advertisement on my computer, and maybe taking notes every three minutes, I was not slacking; rather I was as I saw it achieving the ultimate level of efficiency. I was getting a degree and saving the world at the same time!

Now I just make news. And do my laundry.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve found some very meaningful volunteer work in tutoring at-risk middle school guys with the Victory Project (http://victoryproject.org/), but I’m overwhelmed with a sense of inadequacy and always leave with a feeling of needing to do more. Much more. Also there’s this niggling little sense that I am perhaps missing my calling in life.

On some of my most unmotivated of days at work, I’ve asked God to show me how I can do my job according to Colossians 3:23. “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.” But the answer I’m not getting is, “Write a bajillion really important stories today,” which is the standard I tend to think I’m supposed to be living up to. In fact, I don’t think I’ve gotten any answer. So I’m still listening, and while waiting I slink off to the kitchen to see if someone has maybe left a banana or a half a muffin for me to eat because my pantry is probably empty. “And all the grocery stores were closed, is that it?” Joe will ask. I have plenty of money to buy groceries, or even to eat out for most of my meals, but the truth is I don’t actually know how to feed myself. I think a balanced meal is a peanut butter brown sugar sandwich with peanut butter crackers and chocolate chips on the side. That’s something I’d thought I would have learned in six months of adulthood. But instead I now have a reputation as the human trash can who will gladly dispose of all your leftovers, especially pizza.

But what’s the fun in life if you can figure it out in six short months? 

Friday, November 30, 2012

Real life > Virtual life


Today I came home to an alarming sight in my bedroom.

Clothes strewn about an unmade bed, my carry-on bag thrown open and a wad of clothes spewing out, closet vomiting shoes and random bags.

I thought, “What lunatic’s been rummaging through my room, and what were they looking for?”

Then I remembered – that lunatic was me this morning as I got ready for work at 6:30 a.m. for our early morning event, and I couldn’t find my favorite sweater.

Anyway, I’m bundled up in sweats after a day of feeling two steps behind at work no matter what I did, and I’m missing home. But that's not new. 

I’ve realized a couple things about myself in the last month, during which time I’ve gotten to go home twice and spend some delightful time with family and the closest friends I’ve ever made.
As soon as I got to the airport to fly back for homecoming, I realized I’d left my iPhone charger. Oh well, not that big a deal, everyone has an iPhone, I’ll just borrow one, I thought. So I listened to music, surfed Facebook obsessively, drew a lot of somethings and found out I’m pretty all around Drawsome, and generally tried to run down my battery as quickly as possible. Note: I have an iPhone 4 which has a remarkable battery life – if not used heavily it will easily go 48 hours.

I made it home and caught up with my family, then went to Chapel Hill to spend some time with friends on Franklin Street. Other than coordinating what time to meet at the bar, I don’t think I looked at my phone once. I had to turn it off overnight to preserve the battery, which meant Saturday morning I got to replay a familiar scene when Mom opened my door at 9 o’clock.

“Honey … didn’t you say you were heading to Chapel Hill around 9:15?”

“Aghhhh my alarm!!” I groaned, rolling out of bed immediately, remembering all the times Mom saved my butt when I forgot to set my alarm, or hit p.m. instead of a.m.

All day Saturday I was surrounded by friends I hadn’t seen in four or five months. It was so much wonderfulness it was almost too much to handle. I managed to charge my phone halfway while getting ready to go out, but it wasn’t really a priority because I had barely touched it all weekend.

I had a fabulous time at home, and it wasn’t til I was back in Dayton, staring at Facebook again, that I realized what social media is for me. I had no interest in stupid Facebook or Twitter or instashazam while I was home because everyone I would have wanted to update on my life, chat with or just plain stalk was right in front of me. I don’t know why this was so revolutionary to me. I wouldn’t say I waste an inordinate amount of time on Facebook, especially because I spend far less time on it now than I did last year while writing papers. I think what I’m getting at is this:

Facebook has no draw for me when there’s anything going on that actually catches my interest in the least, especially if it’s me physically doing something, whether it be cheering on a hopeless football game from the student section, babysitting a hilarious 8-year-old, interviewing a 70-something real estate guru, having a serious conversation with a good friend, playing any sport or enjoying the company of real live people.

I notice that I can look back on a day and judge how exciting, fulfilling and life-giving my activities were based on how few times I checked Facebook on my phone.

So while I still value Facebook for its mass communication value and for keeping tabs on my friends back home, and being able to see when people post new blog updates, I’m resolving to let it steal even less of my interest. No more exchanging a half hour that could have been spent reading a good book, going for a run, or developing a relationship with someone for a half hour of mindless news feed browsing on the soul-sucking wraith that can be social media.
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